Monday, January 4, 2010
New Years Resolutions for Other People
Society piece by
Thomas Lindaman
The 2010 Edition - On behalf of everyone at CommonConservative-dot-com, I’d like to wish you all a Happy New Year. And along with that, I’d like to offer this year’s edition of New Years Resolutions for Other People.
For those of you just joining us, the idea behind New Years Resolutions for Other People stem from the fact that I can make great resolutions. Usually, mine revolve around the phrase, “I’ll never [action verb] this much [noun] ever again!” However, when it comes to keeping them, I’m the Detroit Lions: if I’m lucky, good things may happen for a short time. Instead of putting my resolution-making skills away, I’m putting them to good use. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy this year’s New Years Resolutions for Other People.
To President Barack Obama, I resolve that you gain a sense of perspective on your job. Judging from your first year in office, I’m concerned that you still don’t have the gist of it. You’re the Commander In Chief, not the Playboy In Chief. (That title belongs to Hugh Hefner, thank you very much.) If we are to judge your Presidency by what you do versus what you could have done, let’s just say you’d better hope that Rahm Emanuel is the one writing your historical record for posterity.
To Vice President Joe Biden, I resolve that you find a nice quiet place where you and your family can’t be disturbed by anything or anyone. Just a nice out-of-the-way place where you can be alone without the hustle and bustle of Washington life. Then, stay there for the next 3-7 years.
To Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, I resolve that you find your voice. On more than a couple of occasions over the past year, I got the impression that you didn’t agree with the policies President Obama was putting forth, but instead of speaking up, you sat back and took it. And what has it gotten you? John Frickin’ Kerry has taken over a lot of the duties that should be going to you, and he’s as clueless as Biden on foreign policy! Get your voice back and soon!
To Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, I resolve that you both take a leadership course. Watching the two of you bicker with your own party over the details of legislation that you want passed, all the while spending money like drunken sailors on shore leave (no disrespect intended towards inebriated Naval personnel by comparing them to these two dimwits), is pathetic, in one word. In two words: really pathetic!
To Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) and John Murtha (D-PA), I resolve that you take some time to brush up on your resume writing skills. Something tells me that your antics may lead to you needing them sooner than you think. Just sayin’.
To MSNBC and CNN, I resolve that you spend a little less time sucking up to President Obama and…oh, I don’t know…maybe cover a real news story once in a while? You guys spent more time covering the Balloon Boy story than ACORN’s corruption, for the love of Pete! And it’s not all that hard to do, either. Just look at most any blog, or better yet, watch Fox News and see how investigative reporting is done.
To the Octomom, Jon and Kate, and other publicity hounds with a lot of kids, you know that nice out-of-the-way place I said Joe Biden should find? I resolve you find it, too. Having a freakish number of kids doesn’t make you a celebrity. It makes you a sideshow attraction. It’s not a clown car, people!
To Sarah Palin, I resolve that you surround yourself with good, honest political advisors you can trust. You have a lot of the goods to be President, but you definitely need to work on your ability to think on your feet and articulate your message better. The Left thinks you’re a dumb hick. Don’t give them the ammunition to prove it.
To Meghan McCain, I resolve that you spend a bit more time formulating a consistent political voice and a lot less time trying to prove that you’re worth listening to without giving us a reason to listen to you. Your writing isn’t up to par. Put in a bit more effort and formulate a logical train of thought and you’ll be at your breast…I mean best.
To the Chicago Cubs, I resolve that you win a World Series in my lifetime. I’m not getting any younger. Just sayin’.
To Leftists who are expressing disillusionment at President Obama’s inconsistencies, I resolve that learn your lesson that “hope” and “change” are poor substitutes for actual policies.
To John McCain, Lindsey Graham, Olympia Snowe, and the rest of the moderate Republicans in the Senate, I resolve that you get a new medical procedure that should help you if you want to continue being Senators. It’s called an addaspinetome.
To Media Matters, I resolve that you learn the difference between reporting on what conservatives say and distorting what conservatives say. I know Daddy Sor-bucks pays you to purposely mangle what people like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck say, but you’ve opened yourself up to the same thing being done to you, like the time I saw your founder David Brock saying, “I like to kick puppies off the top of tall buildings to hear their screams as they plummet to their deaths.” (Okay, he was actually talking about something Bill O’Reilly said, but if you read between the lines, you know I’m right!)
To the people who believe global warming is man-made, I resolve that you start up a snow removal service in Iowa so you can plow and shovel the inches of “global warming” we tend to get in the winter.
To Kanye West, I was going to do a New Year’s resolution for you and you’ll get your time, but Taylor Swift’s was the best resolution ever. Know what I’m sayin’?
To Seth McFarlane, creator of “Family Guy,” I resolve that you actually start trying to be funny again. We get that you’re a Leftist, and that’s fine, but we don’t need to have it reinforced with every episode. Here’s an idea to improve your show: write some actual jokes, man!
To Jay Leno, I resolve that you read the resolution I made for Seth McFarlane.
To David Letterman, I resolve that you enjoy the Karma crap-storm you brought on yourself by going after Sarah Palin’s kids. Oh, and how does that couch feel?
To Tiger Woods, I resolve that you get some help for your problem. Not your sexual issues, but rather the fact that you threw away a ton of money and a smokin’ hot wife for a roll in the hay with other women.
To my critics, I resolve that you continue to hold my feet to the fire whenever you read something of mine that you don’t like. That way, I can determine whether it’s legitimate criticism or just snarky commentary by someone who wishes they could string together more words than just “Bush sucks.”
And finally, to the fans of CommonnConservative (and myself), I resolve that you continue to get enjoyment, entertainment, enlightenment, and other words starting with e over the coming year.
Now, go finish off that eggnog, would ya?
Thomas Lindaman
http://CommonConservative.com/
HowardWasRight 
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